Recipes for Lovemaking    

        Talk: 'To express ideas and thoughts in speech'                            Talk

     Nowhere else on the planet has communication been MORE important than in Western civilization.  Because of just the pure sophistication of "equality" in every aspect that is expected now, we are finding ourselves more and more obligated to be politically correct in nearly every part of our lives. Personally, I feel it has gone too far. Others would disagree. I have seen it in action where it has literally stifled good communication between the masses due to lack of elegance, grace or simply education.

I have seen it interrupt  a blossoming romance that had potential, just because there are too many feelings on trial at the beginning of a relationship.

I've experienced in my own relationships total lack of understandings between us just because someone doesn't "say the right things". 

There are so many aspects of communication that I could touch on, and I will attempt to towards the end of this article.  But I am mainly here to address one of the main recipes that can ultimately make or brake a relationship.  "Talk" is the most powerful source you have for expressing yourself in thought, ideas, wants and wishes. Miscommunication has caused major wars between countries. Is there any wonder that there are so many divorces today? "Irreconcilable differences" truly means unable to reconcile your differences through "Communication" and attempting to understand the others partner's problems.  

The Power of Appreciation and Gratefulness

Researchers have studied the power of appreciation and gratefulness and have discovered methods called "positive interactions". They have found that these "methods" are at the heart of good marriages, healthy development in children and successful businesses! For example, researchers at the University of Washington have discovered that couples who stay together tend to have five times more positive interactions than negative ones. Couples who stay together often have real disagreements, but a strong pattern of appreciative and affirming interaction appears to give them the positive momentum they need to work through their problems.

It's No Different in the Bedroom

From the first day you meet someone, and try to "get to know them". You are communicating as much as you can, to fill them IN on a life time of YOU!  You want to "impress" and "instruct" at the same time. All the same, you are  "also" trying to get to know them as well. You are testing every word they are saying against the things you believe in or make you happy. Of course they don't know what you like or dislike until you "tell" them. But it's just "safer" for you to let them do all the talking for a while so you can be the "judge" if you are willing to "invest" more of your time to get to know them better or not. All the while, you are throwing in little sincerities of positive affirmations on what you like or dis-like, even about things they themselves like or dislike. You also impress them by being appreciative and charming. You know that appreciation and affirmation will somehow score you brownie points... if you are truly interested in this new personality. I'm hoping your intentions are sincere and not shallow by 'acting' like you are interested. For there are far too many shallow, ego-maniacs in this world. The most honored and beloved people in this world, are those with true integrity and with no pretenses. They are the ones most remembered throughout history!

It's the same game that has been around for thousands of years.  It's called the "Mating Game". Only it seems that the game has gotten a little harder with each generation. Why is it becoming harder to "talk" to people? Why has it become almost impossible to tell your spouse your "true" feelings?  Or, worse yet, why is it so blasted hard to get your "spouse" to listen or respond to YOU? 

We've heard about all the "how to" books out there on the market. And some of them are excellent. But if you don't attempt to "practice" what you freshly learn, and make it a "habit" in your life, you will soon forget all you learned, and fall into your "old" habits again. I once learned that it takes about 14 consecutive times at doing 'something' before it can become a "habit". Or two weeks of doing something every day.

Habits are a hard thing to break.  But on the flip side, good habits are "easy" to start if we just try to follow through with them.  It's called "work".  Something a lot of people are afraid of any more. If they have to "work at something" too much, they lose interest and go to the easier fix.  Because most of us have evolved into "quick-fix-soft-spined-single-cell-amebas". I've seen people work "harder" in their gyms than on their relationships! 

You have to "work" at your lovemaking

You have to "work" at your lovemaking just as much as anything else. As much as trying to break through that corporate glass ceiling we all hear about too! Consider it "another" priority in your busy life. You have to form good habits in "Communication" as much as "Touch".  (See Touch). It's not your spouse's fault if he's been doing something wrong with you for years and he's never known!  Remember, he's NOT a mind reader, no matter how much you want him to be! This is the same person who barely notices a new hairdo on you or new clothes. 

First you need to communicate with yourself, then you need to let him know what you've discovered! (See Solo Time). In all of the surveys I have conducted and read, the number one complaint is the fact that women are not able to Orgasm with their spouses during intercourse. Yet they are too afraid to relay this information to them (as a whole), and continue to "fake" their orgasms for their spouses.  Some of the reasons were that they didn't want to "hurt their feelings or ego", or "get it all over with just to keep them happy".  Yet the majority of the participants all claimed that they were still "able to talk to their spouses or lovers about “any” problems they were feeling, or things they felt they were missing out on". This odd inconsistency baffled me. The women who were surveyed all claimed to have a deep passion for sex, only 2%, so far, did not want any sex at all. And ultimately they claimed to enjoy the "moments" they had with their lovers while they assisted their men in achieving orgasm, just about any way they wanted.  But when it came to their "own" needs, they would just give up on it for the most part, and sink back into their home life of chores and children, trying to find fulfillment in this. These patterns had become their "habits" in bed, and they would find it hard in the future to change anything at this point.

I literally found this quite upsetting. For, it only added fuel to the problem of some men unwilling to be "attentive" to the needs of a woman.  It also reinforced the old "nurture/subservient" attitudes that women were somehow raised to believe was their roles. And as long as their "men" in these cases were happy they were somewhat comfortable with "denying" themselves. The problems they were and STILL are creating are this: He may think he is impressing the heck out of her, but he, in all his masculinity and power, is clueless about what the average woman needs.  And these women are not helping the situation. The men go along in sexual "bliss" thinking they are  the "Stud of the Century", and unfortunately, passing this false macho-ness on to his male children. So the cycle never ends. 

Women for the most part are not "communicating" with their lovers their "true" feelings about their needs in the bedroom. So, what is the next end result? It make take a few years, (usually when the kids grow older), but they become restless, unhappy, and look elsewhere for something they "know" is out there or better. All because they failed to "talk" about it from the beginning. The men suddenly "don't know what hit them", since obviously "everything was fine"... so they thought!

On the Positive Side...  Sharing

There are those women out there who are as equal in the bedroom as much as any other part of their life. They know what it takes to make love, and take love to new heights. They attempt to add spice and new experiences as much as they can. A few women have reported that not only was foreplay extremely important, but having a vaginal orgasm during intercourse was something they had discovered "down the road" of their sexual life, and now would expect "nothing LESS"!  (See:  "The Big O" in Sexual Health Column). They have proudly taken the position of taking "responsibility" for their "own" orgasm.

Couples who are sexually in tune, have a vast array of "sharing and communicating" in and out of the love nest. They are the ones who believe in "tease", not just in bed, but during the week. Why should the tease end simply because you got married? Tease can be a very powerful force and can create beautiful, and meaningful experiences with the one you love. Just the "mere mention" of something, some phrase, a long and deep look, a breath, that could set off one spouse or the other into "thinking" about lovemaking later, is truly a fine art, that all could learn!

Love Talk

"Love Talk" during your lovemaking can be one of the most creative and fulfilling things two people could ever share during sex. It keeps their minds focused on each other, and what they are doing. It also helps the other one to "communicate" his or her desires for something different, spontaneously too. And it's usually understood that what is acceptable in the bedroom, usually would not be anywhere else.  (See Fantasy).

There are times when touching in the dark, in quietness works well with some, but I must tell you that when you have perfected the fine art of love talk while you are in the throws of passion, it's one of the best 'stimuli' you could ever 'imagine'. (No Pun).  Since the brain really IS the best and biggest sex organ, you need to learn to use it to it's fullest potential. Some people have learned to communicate through various outlets in chat rooms, and e-mails.  And I think as long as they are not hurting anyone else in their life, it can be a very cool and 'safe' outlet in the practice of using their brains and imagination.  The next step is to take that same imagination and "share'" it live with your spouse or lover!

   Some women at first may find this to be offensive or dirty depending on what levels their lovers partake in. My advice then to you would be to initiate it yourself, first! You be in control of what you want to say or hear. And when you start to make "deals" with your lover to "hold out" while you talk to them, I guarantee you will be enormously pleased! You can actually be 'in control' of your lover's orgasm. If you think he is too close and you are not done yourself, just slow down the talk, and even the thrusts. You are 'totally' in control all the while making him think he is! This is a fine art that any woman can learn. And it's fun to experiment in the process. If you are one who is turned off by, shall we say, 'common words' for sex, start out by asking him light questions while you are just snuggling and fondling, like, "how's this, or does that feel good?". As you two begin the journey of love talk, you will be amazed at how much you both will really open up. Don't expect miracles over night. But take it through a journey together. Add a tad more each time. Change the flavor of your questions or answers. Leave yourself "open" to new thoughts and ideas. It's just between the two of you. No one else needs to know about the sacred trusts you two share in your chambers together. Learn from each other. When those times get to the "stale" routine, yes, we all have them after years of being together, and you can try all the fru-fru stuff that is written in the books. I love them too, though I have found MOST men do not.  The bubble baths and candle lights are good for YOU, and only you. But if you want to get to the MEAT of what will ultimately work for both of you in unity, try experimenting with talk, play, and fantasy. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain. As long as both of you are 'comfortable' with what is about to take place, in verbiage or actions, you have the freedom to explore new and wonderful eroticisms you could have only dreamed of.

Trust me!

What are your thoughts?

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