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Only recently, with all the new and improved vitamins and minerals that you would find on TV ads claiming things like it’s "GREAT to be over 50", have seniors been put into a new light. For centuries, older women have been suppressed in sexual behavior whether out of tradition, religious taboos, or just plain ignorance.
On many of my interviews I have found older women now have a lot to say that were afraid to in the past. And for some of them it’s all but too late due to a death of a spouse or their bodies not allowing them to enjoy the freedom they once had due to age.
Though I realize that my studies cannot be classified as "scientific", I can share with anyone who cares to listen, some of the results of the conversations I have had in my years of working and living with older women.
Most of the women I have spoken with only needed a channel they could trust just to vent. For the most part they have felt they’ve paid their "dues" in life by raising a family, serving their men faithfully and being the homemaker. Now they are seeing something in life that they think they may have missed out on. For as even the younger women will sometimes admit, the media puts tremendous peer pressure on them to be and act a certain way. To enjoy life a certain way.
It’s no different with sex. Matriarchal women are seeing whole generations fly by them in "new and improved" sensuality. One they could have only dreamed of since only "bad girls" had the nerve to express themselves sexually and with sensuality.
Which brings me to the responsibility of the "men" of their generation. It always intrigues me how for generations men would only marry a "good girl", but for the most part, be "allowed" to "carry on" with the bad girls on the side. Is it any wonder the sexual revolution HAD to take place? Now I am not trying to categorize ALL men in this light. But before the turn of the last millennium, (20th century), it was as acceptable as going to church on Sunday and raising hell the rest of the week. Women "had" to come into a new era and a different way of thinking since they were beginning to question the teachings of their mothers, grandmothers, and great-grandmothers. They were tired of raising the kids in the large empty house while their men had the freedom to come and go as they pleased day and night. They were starting to hear voices in their heads saying, "is that all there is?"
For hundreds of years men, through no fault of their own were raised and conditioned to be the ultimate master of the home. To control every situation including "activity in the bed". At some point in history it was even considered cheap and defiling if a wife were to express any joy in lovemaking! After all, that was reserved for the mistress who he kept to give him pleasure.
Here are some "old" terms found in the dictionary that labeled and described some of the behavior of our ancestors:
Paramour: A married man’s mistress or married woman’s lover. One who unlawfully takes the place of a husband or a wife.
Courtly love: A term used middle ages in literature. A code of etiquette in chivalric society…it's cardinal doctrines were humility, courtesy, adultery, and the religion of love. Classic 12th century, provincial French society.
Courtesan: A prostitute. Especially in the renaissance period in Italy. Often a cultivated and influential woman.
"She is More to be Pitied
than Censured
She is more to be helped
than despised
She is only a lassie who ventured
On life's stormy path ill advised
Do not scorn her with words fierce and bitter
Do not laugh at her shame and downfall
For a moment stop and consider
That a man was the cause of it all."
1894 song by William B. Gray
For you very lucky few who learned about your own bodies at an early age, and were brave enough to try to enjoy your sexual experiences with your spouses, as well as voice your needs and desires to them, I applaud you! For you are in the minority, but have indirectly opened up ways for the younger generations to have the strength to find themselves sexually and teach their spouses what is expected for their individual needs in love making techniques.
Your grandmothers only accepted life, as fulfilling as it may have been, as they received it. Some of you were handed the same responsibilities and expectations in your generation. You demanded nothing more than to be the matriarch of the home. Serving your family in your daily duties, whether you were poor, or middle class working hard every day with hardly any reward your whole life; or whether you were one of the few upper classes that could afford to be the "lady of the house" with servants. Traveling, social functions and being the overseer of your house were your duties in life. Having children however, was still usually not a choice. You were expected to carry on the name as well as the wealth.
But in my research, I discovered very few of you truly enjoyed your lovemaking. It was usually more of a duty to the marriage bed. The men usually took care of their business in a quick and un-interruptive manner. Mainly for planting his seed. He did not expect you to say anything about your experience one way or the other. After all, that's why he chose you for his wife.
It was only during the periods of the 'Women's Suffrage Movement' and the 'Roaring 20's' that slowly made other women realize that maybe their sexual and domestic life wasn't all that it was cracked up to be!
Women voting in this country had help immensely to empower women into thinking that they just might be 'equals' after all! That included the bedroom.
After the 2nd World War, mothers of baby boomers came alive and found that they could not only have children and work outside the home, but could speak out about enjoying sex, for the first time with out too much repercussions. They were not as stifled as before. And sexual relationships were truly beginning to blossom in marriage. At least some of them.
Doctors were realizing finally that the female psyche was just as important as the male psyche in keeping balanced in all aspects of health, including sexual fulfillment. They "jumped" on the notion that sex was just as "important" for women as it was for men!
Studies began, and books were written by the hundreds about topics from the history if sex, to the sexual revolution! Then, women themselves were beginning to speak up! And more books were written. Magazines were created. It literally took the women's movement to identify the importance of the clitoris! Not only was this precious organ beginning to make sense in the bedroom, but it became the main focus in aiding the first attempts to shatter the proverbial "glass ceiling", that had oppressed thousands of women, for thousands of years.
Women in the Workplace
Now, some of you are still what we younger ladies call "Old School" , and your thinking on some of these thoughts are that most of the woman's movement was just silly nonsense. It could be you've been talking to your husbands too much. But I "will" agree with you, (and this will also cause controversy), that the pendulum has swung just about as far as it should go on this topic. In all the work places I have been, I've seen women fight hard to get to the top of their careers. I've also seen women use their gender and the EEO process to obtain what they want when they were the LEAST qualified! It's no different than seeing people use the "race card" to get what they want. It doesn't matter if they are qualified for the position or not. I have BIG problems with both of these abuses. I've seen it too much. And it only puts a bad name on the rest of us who deserve our rank or grades in the work force. This kind of abuse of the system only re-enforces the attitudes the men have (some men), that women STILL aren't as good as them in work performance, and therefore they have to resort to these measures to get what they want. It also re-enforces their narrow minds that it's somehow related to our attitudes in sex. 'They are the more skilled, dominating sexual being', and 'we are only here to "serve" the male', one way or another. And since they "have" to give us the JOB to avoid a lawsuit, they will just say, "ok. sure, 'wink, wink', here it is." "We understand". (Not good!).
A Few Statistics on Ageing and Sex
According to doctors, the pre-menopausal and menopausal women range in ages between 40 and 60. Women in this age group want to feel good and enjoy sex. For many of them, when they were younger and raising children, sex seemed like just another chore. But now that their children are grown, they seem to be enjoying sex more with their husbands and partners because they've generally gone through menopause, the kids are gone and there's no fear of pregnancy. However, some women lack estrogen and experience sexual problems including frequent urinary tract problems and painful intercourse. This is why education in hormone therapy and lubricants is important which can tremendously improve their sex life.
Some ageing women are have difficulties with intercourse due to a length of time with out a partner. Some women are suddenly faced with the lack of a partner. Their husbands have either passed away, they're divorced or they find it hard to meet available men. Women need to remain as sexually active as long as possible. Intercourse is the best way to keep the vaginal muscles tight, the vagina supple and to prevent incontinence. It can also help in your circulation, and most of all peace of mind.
Along with the unavailability of partners, culturally, women of all ages still have a hard time approaching men. Elderly women need to find the courage to date men of all ages as long as they're comfortable and have things in common. Age shouldn't matter. And in this new millennium, we should all be savvy enough to know that any mature woman would be as interested in a younger man as much as an older man in a younger woman. Society should accept this with open arms and cast away the stigma that is still attached with the May-December romances with older women. In maintaining your sexuality, if a partner is lacking in your life, masturbation is encouraged — something most people are still uncomfortable talking about — (see Solo Time), but it is a good way to relieve stress and tension and is a sexual outlet for some women. Women should continue to socialize, and be as active as you possibly can in all your interests. This will aid in keeping you alert as well as keeping that beautiful smile on your face!
Women live an average of seven years longer than men. So to battle loneliness most women are good about developing a network of friends. They know instinctively that they need a support system and will seek out other women on their own. Not all aging women are interested in meeting men however. There are those who don't enjoy sex, which I personally cannot fathom, and I feel they are missing out on the best parts of life God has given to us as a "gift". But as I mentioned before, statistics show that many older women 70 to 90 years old come from a generation that didn't accept sex as something to be enjoyed. Some elderly women find that just companionship and some intimacy is all they need to be fulfilled. There are also those who have been with a long-term spouse and may not want anyone else after they are gone. They feel they've already had a great relationship and don't want to marry again, but rather do their own thing. It really depends on the individual and how open they are to meeting new people. Society is beginning to give women permission to be alone if that's what they want also. There are those women who have never married as well, and don't plan to. That's OK, too.
Ways to Meet Men
For those women looking for partners, there are single clubs, travel groups, church groups, etc. They can also meet men through friends, bridge and card groups, different community clubs and even the Internet. I strongly encourage every woman to learn to use a computer. And teach other women to do the same. It's part of that "glass ceiling" mentality we must break through. At first I didn't know what I would do with one...now I don't know what I would do with out one!
Women sometimes should not always travel in groups either, as prospective male partners might find approaching one woman in a pack intimidating. (Just like with the younger women, remember?). Some women in their 50s and older are also turning to dating services. The key is not to wait to find a partner before you can enjoy your life. Bottom line is that women should do the things they like to do because they find them interesting. Chances are they'll meet men with similar interests. Finding a partner can be a full-time job, and some women either don't want a relationship bad enough or don't have the time to pursue one fully. So, it really depends on how important it is for you to find a long-term relationship or a sexual partner.
Accepting Yourself in Your Own Skin!
This country places a high value on youth and beauty. So anyone who had the youth and beauty together find it very hard to accept their ageing. "Growing old gracefully" isn't as graceful as it should be! This affects our sexuality also. When we don't feel good about ourselves, we don't feel good about having sex either. Women are literally obsessed about their ageing. And, again, I place a lot of that responsibility on the men. But we can blame our own sisters as well. For the competition can be ruthless!
I was with my little niece the other day who just turned 13, but she "literally looks" like she's 21! And as I was looking at her and watching her complain about not having the latest clothes, and having just had the latest haircut that "still" wasn't quit the way she thought it would be; I started thinking back on my own childhood. I started thinking back on every generation of "childhoods". I realized that every generation had "goofy" clothes, or goofy hair-dos. And usually something the former generation wouldn't be caught dead in! The pressure was intense to look and act a certain way. After all everyone else was doing it your age too! And it represented a defiance to the things the adults were doing too. But as far back as I can remember, most young ladies could never just accept themselves in their own skin.
It was and always will be a constant battle to look like you're 21! From my niece now, to the most mature woman as well. But if society could stop a minute, and see the true value of maturity and wisdom, how much more we could be better off? I for one am definitely happier too be older. I have so much more confidence and wisdom than when I was in my 20's when I thought I had the 'world by the balls'! (Pun for the militant libber). It's actually taken me this long also to accept my true self in my own skin. And I have learned that I have an awful lot to give to the world. More than I ever realized! But for some middle and upper class women, they are still struggling with the little lines around their eyes and mouth. Or the few extra pounds they might be carrying around. Remember it's only the fault of the "visions" of what men "think" you should look like, AND the ruthless competition that other women place on each other.
If we could just 'sparkle' and be 'gracious' all through life in loving and being loved where ever we go, wouldn't our life have more meaning and therefore not be so concerned with the new wrinkle that comes our way? Shouldn't our relationships with our families and friends matter more to all of us than the next face lift that (could) go wrong one day and leave you paralyzed on one side of your face? Shouldn't the passing on of our wisdom and histories be as exciting as trying to keep that bronze tan on our overly exposed face and hands? Acceptance of yourself and your body and your spirit is the key to longevity!
Society should wrap their arms and cherish our older women (and men) simply because you have so much to offer us. And we have so much to offer you in new feelings and new adventures that were once taboo for women of your time!
A Short Story:
Rose
The first day of school our professor introduced himself and challenged us to get to know someone we didn't already know. I got up to look around when a gentle hand touched my shoulder. I turned around to find a wrinkled, little old lady beaming up at me with a smile that lit up her entire being.
She said, "Hi handsome. My name is Rose. I'm eighty seven years old. Can I give you a hug?" I laughed and enthusiastically responded, "Of course you may!" and she gave me a giant squeeze.
"Why are you in college at such a young, innocent age?" I asked. She jokingly replied, "I'm here to meet a rich husband, get married, have a couple of children, and then retire and travel." "No seriously," I asked.
I was curious what may have motivated her to be taking on this challenge at her age. "I always dreamed of having a college education and now I'm getting one!" she told me. After class we walked to the student union building and shared a chocolate milkshake. We became instant friends.
Every day for the next three months we would leave class together and talk nonstop.
I was always mesmerized listening to this "time machine" as she shared her wisdom and experience with me. Over the course of the year, Rose became a campus icon and easily made friends wherever she went. She loved to dress up and she reveled in the attention bestowed upon her from the other students.
She was living it up.
At the end of the semester we invited Rose to speak at our football banquet and I'll never forget what she taught us. She was introduced and stepped up to the podium. As she began to deliver her prepared speech, she dropped her three by five cards on the floor. Frustrated and a little embarrassed she leaned into the microphone and simply said "I'm sorry. I'm so jittery. I gave up beer for Lent and this whiskey is killing me! I'll never get my speech back in order so let me just tell you what I know." As we laughed she cleared her throat and began:
"We do not stop playing because we are old; we grow old because we stop playing. There are only four secrets to staying young, being happy, and achieving success.
"You have to laugh and find humor every day. You've got to have a dream. When you lose your dreams, you die. We have so many people walking around who are dead and don't even know it!"
"There is a huge difference between growing older and growing up. If you are nineteen years old and lie in bed for one full year and don't do one protective thing, you will turn twenty years old. If I am eighty- seven years old and stay in bed for a year and never do anything I will turn eighty-eight. Anybody can grow older. That doesn't take any talent or ability.
The idea is to grow up by always finding the opportunity in change. "Have no regrets. The elderly usually don't have regrets for what we did, but rather for things we did not do. The only people who fear death are those with regrets."
She concluded her speech by courageously singing "The Rose." She challenged each of us to study the lyrics and live them out in our daily lives. At the year's end Rose finished the college degree she had begun all those years ago. One week after graduation Rose died peacefully in her sleep.
Over two thousand college students attended her funeral in tribute to the wonderful woman who taught by example that it's never too late to be all you can possibly be.
'Some say love it is the river that drowns the tender reed. Some say love it is the razor that leaves your soul to bleed. Some say love it is a hunger an aching endless need. I say love it is a flower and you, it's only seed. It's the heart afraid of breaking that never learns to dance. It's the dream afraid of waking that never takes a chance. It's the one who won't be taken who cannot seem to give, that never learns to live. When the night has been too lonely and the road has been too long, and you think that love is only for the lucky and the strong, just remember in the winter far beneath the bitter snows lies the seed that with the sun's love in the spring becomes the Rose.'
And unless you've made other plans, have a wonderful life!
© Copyright 2000 Graphic Town Productions. All rights reserved. All format material is used by permission. Reproduction in whole or in part without permission is prohibited.
Graphic Woman.com is a registered trademark of Graphic Town Productions.
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